Empathy has become a kind of social currency — but most people only spend it where it flatters them. That’s selective empathy: the tendency to extend compassion to those we identify with, while quietly rationalizing away the suffering or frustration of those we don’t.
We see it everywhere. A manager cries foul over burnout but ignores their assistant’s workload. A company celebrates diversity but silences dissent that feels “off-brand.” A customer rants about poor service but tips poorly. A nation mourns one tragedy and scrolls past another.
Selective empathy is the emotional version of insider trading. It’s empathy that reinforces status, not humanity. It rewards likeness, not justice. And when organizations — or individuals — operate from that place, trust erodes fast. People can feel when your compassion is conditional.
The fix isn’t performative “empathy training.” It’s structural. Build systems that make care less optional. Schedule recovery time into workflows. Audit which voices you habitually overlook. Measure psychological safety as rigorously as revenue.
True empathy isn’t an emotional reflex; it’s a discipline. It’s choosing to stay curious even when someone’s pain, perspective, or behavior offends your sense of normal. That’s hard. But cultures that practice that kind of empathy — not just the easy kind — are the ones that sustain trust when the world starts shaking.
