Today, I’m Hurting

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It’s one of those days where Sisyphus must have taken a water break at the same moment Atlas shrugged… I’m feeling the full weight today.

What do I do when being present means facing the bad stuff?

I wonder this with tears streaming down my face, chest on fire with pent-up pain that’s been eating away at me for years (these stupid health problems made that clear), entire body asking for relief or peace or resolution…

I’m hurt today.

I’m angry today.

I’m scared today.

It’s hard not to hurt when I feel like a drain; when I see how much my Love gives to help me keep pursuing personal goals, actually, to simply keep living; when my grandma bursts into tears over the phone because she can’t make this better… I didn’t choose this, yet feel at-fault for its effects on everyone else.

Meanwhile, the burden of the physical effects weigh on me, exacerbating, self-perpetuating. What a vicious cycle.

It’s hard not to feel angry. I grew up angry. It’s no surprise that my body felt enough stress to implode. 20+ years of unreleased tension… there’s not even comparable technology in nuclear reactors. And for what? If I expressed myself, it might be embarrassing to someone else? If I talked about my feelings, it would be uncomfortable for someone else? If I spoke up, I might say something outside of the sad box people keep their minds in? Much better to just put on a happy face and ignore the unpleasant… or so I was told.

The same mentality made me ignore my failing eyesight because it would be inconvenient for my career goals. I ignored my own body’s call for help… and for what? Ugh. The level of self-loathing curdles my insides.

It’s hard not to be afraid. Will my good fortune run out? Will I be more trouble than I’m worth? Will the people who have been so good to me quit on me like my body did? I, completely out of touch, let myself down… it would be so easy for everything else to crash down around me.

The fragility of life at once amazes and paralyzes me today.

I’m hurting today.

image

…kinda like my H mug. Dooks.