This was a tough week. I kinda hit rock bottom on multiple fronts. But, as the tired cliche goes, it’s only up from there…
I allowed myself to feel the full force of my pain this week, and it dredged up some unpleasant thoughts and memories and emotions. Let’s just chalk it up to stress and steroids and… some other S word.
But there’s value in pain. Like Viggo Mortensen says in ‘G.I. Jane’: iT LETS YOU KNOW YOU’RE STILL ALIVE.
I’ve never been the type to share my feelings. Actually, I have actively avoided sharing them (there’s an ex or two out there who can vouch for that). But, age and love and breaking down psychological barriers can do a lot – I finally feel ready to share. And being unafraid, writing, letting people know they’re not alone – these are all things I like to do, and I think there’s something to taking all my good internal things and doing something with them (but that’s a thought for another time).
Now that I can face down my pain and talk about it without spitting venom, now that I’ve called out in pain and been softened in the process, I have good things to say.
I was aware of the good things, but was too caught up in my pain to take the time to be grateful for them.
Rather than being unabashedly thankful for the people and love and goodness I have been given, I was worried it would go away. (If there’s a faster way to make that happen, I don’t know it… self-fulfilling prophesies are NO JOKE.)
Today, I’m grateful.
I’m grateful that Jelaine has shown me that I can share my feelings, my past, my hopes, my aspirations with someone and have it be reciprocated, heard, valued, and supported. I am grateful for her intuition and kind heart, her lioness spirit, and for her pulling so hard to keep our “team” moving forward lately.
I wasn’t feeling like a contributing member of the team, and that hurt me. But there are injuries and Life happens, and that’s when good teams find ways to win. I’m part of a team. And I have a great teammate. And I have someone to be a great teammate for. How fortunate.
Today, I’m humbled.
Tuesday, I was angry. Indignant. Slighted. Pissed off. A big ol’ negative succubus. And then my Mimi called to ask how I was.
The tone of her voice was warm, but she commanded an answer. She wanted to know if the pain in my chest was enough to warrant a visit to the hospital, and I could imagine the keys in her hand. She, with her own life going on, would come to my assistance. And she has, time after time.
My Mimi. My real-life, Towanda, warrior princess.
I felt alone, even though I am far from it. But, man, it was hard to see for a moment.
Fear tried to take over, to isolate me from the goodness that exists all around me and within me. But in its failure, I was strengthened. I am strengthened.
The unknown is scary, but I am strong. My body and spirit have endured much, but haven’t broken. I have love flowing from outside like I’ve never experienced (or at least am aware of experiencing), which has helped me better understand how to express the love I have. That may be the greatest lesson in all of this.
Love has been healing me.
Love is healing me today.
Today, I’m healing.
(Also, a shout-out to Dr. Rinehaur and rx eyedrops… ya know, for actual healing.)
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I felt like my H mug: hella busted… But then…