Today, I thought of all the reasons to kill myself…

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That’s no joke.

I really did sit and think about everything that flattens my tires…

The way people acted during the presidential campaign. Ugggllyyyy… and that’s y’all on both sides, so don’t get all high and mighty about how “the other side” acted.

And the lack of self-awareness AND global awareness people show when they choose political sides.

And the lack of logic & true problem solving… Are y’all really happier to fight over issues & find no happy ending?? Have we really devolved to the point of existing in a cycle that swings left, swings right, but never gets us anywhere?? That’s b.s.

That so many people don’t know what a “specious argument” is.

The fact my dogs have been waking me up right as I’m about to transition from “too early” to “nice n rested”.

That one phone call from the government department dean about the student who, at 8am on the day after finals, before I had a chance to calculate final grades, was going crazy about his grade… which he wasn’t too concerned with to show up for class or do any quality work for the entire freakin semester.

The fact I can’t teach EVERYONE government.

Healthcare.

Texas politics.

I-635.

Student loans.

Depression. (Eff you, brain chemistry.)

My life from, like, 9 to 14.

Judgmental people.

People who only seem to remember stuff that they think will embarrass you.

That, in our society, we want people to make themselves smaller. Well, I don’t… But, if you go against tradition, or “make people feel dumb”, or move faster than what a lot of them are comfortable with, they want you to be quiet or still or less forceful. And that sucks.

Stigmas.

Bigots.

Antinuclear antibodies. Ugh.

Injustice.

Spam filters. (Holding up my emails because Gmail can’t tell the different between spam and doing hella business.)

Mindless adherence.

Dogmatism.

The Patriot Act.

And the fact that, ugh, it just seems so much easier to never have to deal with any of it.

Then, there’s the fact that a girl I knew committed suicide right after the holidays. A fabulous artist whose senses of fashion and humor were equally wicked. A girl who I had seen months before, could tell wasn’t doing so well, but we weren’t close enough for me to feel comfortable going, “Hey, boo-boo… wanna get fro-yo?”

And it just makes ya think…


Luckily, it was all just an exercise.

We spend so much time living/faking “positive lives” and acting as if everything is copasetic. And that’s not reality.

We all have things that steal our joy. We all get to places in our lives that seem impossible to bounce back from. We all know what disappointment, long- or short-term, feels like. We may have experienced feeling alone. Or lost.

Life is ups and down.

We can’t pretend like the unpleasant things don’t exist.

I’ve been studying Qi, or “Chi”, lately. Chi is the fundamental life force that flows through everything. And “everything” includes stuff we may find disagreeable. The acknowledgment of EVERYTHING—the “good” and the “bad”—in life is a major tenet of that field of thought. Cool video at the bottom.

I wanted to look at everything irksome, ask myself what it has to do with me, and then let it go.

Because, at the end of the day, it’s all manageable… temporary… simply not that big of a deal.

I have better things to do.

This was a meditation exercise. But, seriously, if you’re “feeling blue”, please talk to someone or GIVE ME A SHOUT. Seriously. We can get fro-yo. You can come over and pet my animals. I’ll tell you stories. You can tell me what’s going on, or nothing at all. We can take a drive. Or we can sit on the phone in silence like middle schoolers. I’ve been to low points, and I’m not here to judge. All good things.