Coming Out… I’m on the fence about it.

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So, midway through September, I met this girl. She knocked my socks off. We knew each other in another life. My heart went, “Finally,” the moment we spoke.

If that was the end of it, everything would be perfect.

But that’s not real life.

Real life means that there are people and forces and ideologies that get in the way of things. She has pushy friends who disdainfully ask “Are you out to your family?” and if she’d be welcome at my family holiday celebrations (uhh, yeah, but can we date for longer than two months before I make her endure my family? Also, who says I want to go and answer the same 4 questions I’ve been answering since fall of 2004?)

It’s been causing me serious emotional turmoil.  And I’m annoyed at this whole idea of “coming out.”

Coming out used to be a huge catharsis. It was for the person who was doing the coming.

Because they were hiding something.

Because they didn’t have facebook.

Because they felt like they were doing something wrong and against their family’s values.

But that’s not my position.

The people who I care about know exactly where I’ve stood about sexuality, my own and others’. I’ve been putting everything on facebook that reflects my own life, to the extent that I would post my life.

And my mother is my facebook friend. She knows exactly what’s going on with me and who I’m in a relationship with. And she’s treating me differently because of it.

She picks small fights in order to open the door to a bigger fight.

She doesn’t call as much as she used to.

She’s vague and indirect.

And I’m pretty sure it’s just killing her that she doesn’t get to weigh in on my life, like she’s done in the past.

However, I couldn’t give two shits. That’s that.

I have someone who is loving and wonderful and “gets” me in a way nobody has before, and I’m hanging onto her harder than I’ve ever held onto someone before. And she makes me ready to move forward, rather than staying under her thumb or stuck in the past (like I do at home).

For me, “coming out” feels totally unnecessary when it’s compelled.

I’d rather do it when it feels right and genuine. Because – wow – this feeling is great.

The videos are just me, driving and talking, about my feelings: