I kinda dumped my purse out in this IG post, but that’s just a defense mechanism saying I use when I get real and then get nervous about being judged for it (“hashtag, self-awareness”).
Scroll back up to check out the post & ‘heart’ it after you’ve finished reading (I’ll even include another link to it at the bottom). This is the caption, which is the most important bit:
Reconnecting with someone from my past has taught me a lot in the past few weeks, bringing full-circle the lesson from events that occurred eight years ago… I loved this person so much; we had a friendship that was unrivaled in its sweetness and curiosity, except for when it came to matters of my own pain (fear and stress from law school, depression from losing my Papaw, not trusting my own happiness). I don’t know how I couldn’t have seen that my darkness was safe with this person, but I was so afraid to face it, much less share it… I was raised, in the typical female fashion, to not share so as to not be a “burden” on anyone else. So, I kept it bottled up & pushed this person away to, in my flawed reasoning, protect us both. Then, it ended up hurting even more to not have them in my life. But, after experiencing and – most importantly – examining the EXCRUCIATING pain from this experience, I learned the importance of vulnerability, of acknowledging my true nature & how events that hurt me tried to separate me from it and caused me to want to build up walls… AND THEN the power of which of those things I chose to give power to. And then, bam, two weeks after that realization (one during which I literally *saw* & liked Me again), two years after I had screwed up one of the best relationships I had ever known, I met the person who eclipsed everything. The person who I learned to trust and express and work through and test the depths of my love with. And THAT has been… WHOA. #TurnYourWoundsIntoWisdom
So, yeah… there that is.
You have no idea how much my hands tremble when I share stuff like that.
It’s scary, man!
Not only because it’s about a time when I was deeply insecure, but also because it’s so personal and someone don’t grow up the way I did without always having the inkling (even the smallest in the darkest recesses of your mind) that showing your hand is actually just providing cannon fodder for your own demise.
Trust is tough, man!