Will You Still Love Me When I’m Unable to Love Myself?

Nobody will love you until you love yourself.

You’ve heard that saying before. I’ve heard it. I’ve believed it. I’ve lived it… to a certain extent.

Yes, I think that the little quip is correct to a certain degree. But, this article by Holly Everett & my recent life experiences changed my mind.

Things have been… dark as of late.

I’m frustrated with just about everything from the bullshit people pull in the name of dogma to politics/government to trying to get pet projects off the ground… trying to be me in this world feels like an uphill battle & has felt that way for MONTHS. It’s all been too much, and I feel incredibly alone.

And that’s not helped by the fact that, for quite a bit of time, I am alone. Working at home. Working on things that require a lot from my end. Feeling a deep estrangement from my family. Being unsatisfied with old friendships, and unable to tell if they are truly void of substance or if that’s just the mood I’m in.

Whatever the case, dealing with everything, combined with my brain chemistry, has been like one, continuous kick in my ladyballs.

One of the worst parts is that I’m such a bummer when I feel like this. And I’m fully aware of it.

And it makes me feel even worse to add “worry about driving my partner away” to the growing list of soul-crushing, energy-zapping concerns. How can I expect her to continue to deal with me when I’m such a sad-sack, Debbie Downer POS? (That’s the question going through my head.)

So, for awhile, I’d just crush everything down inside. Like, my Irish-Catholic friends who would be hella impressed. But the eruptions when I was too “full” of repression, plus the physical repercussions… well, let’s just say that isn’t a viable course of action. [pops a heartburn chewable]

I don’t like myself much to begin with, less so when I’m fighting back those dark, self-loathing feelings. How could someone else possibly like me, much less love me?

That’s how it feels, at least.

So, I push everyone away. It’s kind of one of my superpowers. But super smart, right? The times I need love most, I am at my most unloveable. (Sorry if that sarcasm dripped on you…)

But, really, it’s like when Bruce Banner turns into The Hulk or before people turn into werewolves and they try to get the people they care about away… but with much more standoffishness and cuntiness. I know what I’m feeling & what I’m like, so I want nobody else to have to deal with it.

Except I do.

I want to be talked to. I want to be seen, and I’m talking about the real me that’s under the pain and anger. I want to be held and loved… because that’s when I need it the most.

But it feels so unfair to ask someone to cuddle the She-Hulk, especially after I was a bia-bia all day or am in a funk.

See what a frustrating experience that is?

And my biggest fear, lately, is that I’ll become too much to deal with. Amidst everything else that’s not going right, I’m afraid I’ll fail at my relationship.

So… yeah, there’s all that. Just a little catharsis as I try to work through the darkness. Whatever you do – prayer, davening, send out good vibes – do some of that for me.