I’m currently curled up with my bff’s puppy who is spending the weekend at ol’ Auntie H’s. We’re in full Saturday Mode – documentary about drones on Netflix, fuzzy socks, & some reflective and creative time… (Maggie is snoozing HARD… she’s playing with the big dogs, literally, and is one sassy puff!)
The past few weeks have been…
I’ve had a lot of moments that – as this post title insinuates – have resulted in some major gut checks.
Starting a new semester is an anxious experience for me. There’s a new crop of minds who I can’t let down or lead astray. Do I still know this stuff? Oh, my god, am ia total fraud? Do I have a mouse in the house, because that would be an embarrassing way to start the course?! (No pressure, right?)
And then I stood up in front of those kids, without fear, more calm, yet more enthused, than I’ve ever been before.
It was the same feeling I got at my first campaign event, going into a crowd of complete strangers. But, once I shook some hands, loosened up and opened up, all the reasons why I’m running came back and flooded out any apprehension.
Gut check: I can do this. Fear is just insecurity, and I’m better than my insecurities.
On the way to my first class, I got smashed into by one of those cement mixer trucks. (His fault; he didn’t pay attention to the turn signs.)
Luckily, the impact was on the passenger side & I came away with no physical damage… but the split second between knowing I was about to be hit and the crash was still terrifying!
I lived an entire lifetime as that giant tire rolled toward me… time slowed down as I watched the approaching grill through the window.
Those trucks are… big.
Gut check: All those cliches about living while you can aren’t that trite.
That wreck could have gone verrrry differently.
And dealing with the truck company, getting appraisals done, and all that disruptive jazz has stressed me right out. Redi-Mix has been my own personal joy succubus.
Can’t sleep. Chest starts to feel tight. Stress headaches. It’s annoying to have to deal with something I didn’t cause. Injustice makes my blood boil.
And these types of situations would typically throw me into a really dark time – I’ve always had that type of reaction to unpleasant, unexpected, and/or undesirable events. The anger, the resentment, the indignance… they all come from deep insecurity.
Being at the whim of a business is unpleasant. Having no control is, too. And, just like with getting in front of a class, I worry about dealing with it well.
But, knowing this about myself, I’m cutting myself off at the pass – by recognizing the negativity that creeps in, I can turn it into something else while also keeping it from spoiling everything else.
(Talk about a Lightbulb Moment.)
The theme of “seeing the good” played into the biggest & best gut check of them all.
Earlier this week, Jelaine and I were doing something we love: making dinner together.
We do this regularly – pick a meal, put on some tunes, pour wine, & work together. She had grabbed vino and flowers, and we were jiving and jamming around the kitchen. It was one of those nights where the whole house was crammed with love and happiness and contentedness.
Jelaine disappeared into the extra room for a bit & came back looking odd – she seemed nervous, but determined, happy, but like she was trying not to betray the surprise… all at the same time!
And that’s when she held up a ring and asked that big question.
I lived another lifetime.
I couldn’t actually believe it.
I may have blacked out.
I definitely floated up out of my body.
Wide-eyed, I silently held up my hand. And when she asked for an answer, it slammed me back into the moment, and I yelled, “YEAH!”
Gut check: someone actually loves me.
She sees through my exterior, I’ve shown her my guts, and she still loves me. She’s convinced me that I’m worth loving as-is, without having to prove anything or achieve anything first. That’s kind of amazing, to me, because there was a time I couldn’t even do that for myself.
So, yeah… Life has thrown some haymakers my way! Some landed, but I’m standing even taller than ever.
And check out the bling: